Happy Big Fuckin Deal New Year

Well, like any other celebration, the days after suck.  Especially when everyone talks about such a wonderful new year, and it's the same old crap, day after day.  Whats so special about the Gregorian New Year?  A calander based upon mathamatecial mistakes and an atempt to hid the absorption of other religions?
It's just like any other day.  eventually, you find out you suck, make so many mistakes, have everyone disapointed with and frustrated at you, feel guilty for failing at entertaining ppl, of making it exciting and challenging, of not being available for friends who need you, not knowing what it is to be a friend, not knowing yourself cause the next second all you do is want to change - to the point where the only way is to show it externally by some self performed plastic surgery.  make some more beautiful scarring patterns.  Just rip the skin off and put on bits and peices of others, so NO one knows who you are anymore....
Do you know that freedom?  the freedom of after feeling rejected, useless, a failure, unwanted, borring, despised sometimes even...like your friends have all reached their tolleration at the same time...  just cause you suck.
It's just the way i feel...  i can't get out of it.  just obsessing on being needed, wanted, liked, that you can't handle any rejection because that could be leading to complete rejection, yet again.  accidently changing peoples minds without knowing or realizing or beinga ble to stop and change yourself, so you can change the other's outlook.  Just do it differently.  Okay.  You just live with the regular desire of killing yourself or others because that would be the only true solution for peace, despite your beliefe in Equal Free Will for all and the desire to flip off Lady Death, until you just can't fight her beauty any more...
    But the older I get, the more stunning she becomes - the more I learn to love peace, the more beautiful
    She becomes - black as the depths of the complete singularity, but shining with immensely blinding beauty
    at the edge of destruction - sparkles of quantum fluctuations, of conversion between matter and energy...
    stable instability, balanced inequalities, ordered chaos, constant change.

It really is just another day.  Celebrating the Purity of Hope just shows how dross it really is....