Once again, Happy F-IN Hollidays!!

Yes, that time of year again.  When I realize how I should have worked harder and longer, instead of saying "fuck it" after about a 10.5 hour day with hard labor.
When I look back and see how shity I was as a "part-time" father to my son, and could have done so many things better and longer... Even if it seemed right then, or if it was something that "just was" because of son's or myself's health state.
Once again, no money to buy presents for child... Thanks for taking all of my savings this spring you unpaying FUCK FACE - oops, for those of you who don't know, my room mate.  That's a story - of stress, hate, cyclical emotional feeling, and final vindication - if finally broke.

So with that financial over my head, probably no unemployment unless the extension comes through - I was unemployed for a year... so no monetary history, no unemployement... so it goes.  Don't know what I'm gonna do - tried some temp agencies near by, getting our "weekly employement section" of the newspaper tomorrow (I think I can scrounge up for that). 
BUT:  There is still the darkness - as in lack of sunlight.  There is the darkness in my soul at the sense of failure I have.
There is the overwhelming need to get things done, but the underwhelming sense of motivation that can come with it, esp. when fear of failure and anxiety of ability and opportunity sets in.

Then there is just the boredom and lonliness while I wait on others.  Hope for the best, hope I can tollerate whatever I get.  Afraid it's gonna be an inside job that drives me crazy in 5 minutes.  Can't take any of those - just can't.  Don't get paid too much, and it's one spot, no light, no happiness, no balance.  Must be outside, or in short 3 to 4 hour bursts of work with many hours in between.  Or delivery...

At least got my Christmas tree up!!  First one in decades, it's real even!!!