I've been trying. Trying to stoke what remaining embers of mania I had left to mellow the crash, to fill the balloon with what little hot air I could to lift me out of the flood I saw coming, the onslaught of pain and self-hate. I tried, but was a little too late...
The flood gates had opened, for the sluice tunnels were just not handling the pressure. It was difficult to do - the pressure had started to bend the gates, making them stick as I tried to open them to resolve the problem. No matter how much I tried, no matter how many times I succeeded in overcoming the irrational parts of my mind with the rational, of reminding myself that I was - that I AM - the excellent control operator and maintenance man of this, the largest dam in this multiverse of impressions that I have, that this time was going to be another failure due to the strength and persistence of this irrationality.
I saw the waters coming as my balloon tried limping into the air, partially filled. Spray from the deluge splattered the last few embers, crackling with an ominous premonition of the explosive sounds of cracks forming in the dam milli-seconds later. I watched my salvation rise, moving faster and faster away from me, as I floundered in the torrents, drowning in the muck filled sludge that was flowing by. I couldn't even build my little, tiny raft that I normally could to ride this out.
But I am slamming against the rocks now, a physical pain in counterpoint to my internal pain that created this personal hell. I see the blood, and become focused. Maybe for just a little, I can focus long enough to finish work...
But then, there is still the stress of grocery shopping and trying to get my resume off my old computer onto my room-mates so I can print it out and start applying before my temp job ends... this and the pain of introverted disgust I've had in looking at all of my demons yet once again is so overwhelming. But I shall write about THAT fight later today.
Oh...I'm so sorry about that. I totally know how you feel...I *think*. Self loathing. Trying not to drown. Keeping your head above water - for just a little bit longer, knowing you need to rest at some point. But you know, sometimes our bodies just take over and they crash on their own if we don't allow them the time they need - do you think you could take a few days to yourself before your body makes you do it anyway?
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